Grief is an unpredictable companion that lurks in the shadows and strikes me when I least expect it. It is always present, even in moments of light and joy. I can be going about my daily activities when suddenly a memory, a smell, or a song pulls me back into a wave of grief as raw and intense as the first day I experienced the loss of my daughter. Grief is like an uninvited guest that never truly leaves; it is always there, ready to remind me of the pain inside.
I have learned that certain things can bring tears to my eyes or leave me speechless. I have found ways to avoid these triggers as much as I can. However, sometimes, while I am minding my own business, a sight, a sound, a smell, or a memory will pop into my mind, and I find myself ambushed by the grief.
I recently experienced one of these moments. I was waiting for my husband at church for Wednesday night dinner and was walking around enjoying the Easter items on display. As I strolled through the Great Hall, a song playing through the PA system caught my ear:
The words stopped me in my tracks. As I listened closely, scores of Bible verses, Sunday School lessons, and sermons flashed through my mind: "Sometimes God sends his angels to intervene." "If anything, he'll send an angel to stop Balaam from his folly." "Was there an angel there when Texa passed away?" "Does God cry?"
These thoughts shot through my mind like lightning, striking my heart with their intensity. I needed to find a corner where I could let my tears fall without anyone seeing or asking if I was okay. These silly and perhaps theologically unsound questions took me back to the day I lost Texa as if no time had passed. By the time my husband arrived, I had managed to compose myself, leaving no visible trace of my grief attack. I could greet him as though nothing had happened, even though my heart still ached.
Some days are like this, filled with overwhelming sadness that feels like it will never end. But not every day is like this. There are days when the pain is more bearable, and memories bring a bittersweet smile instead of tears. There are also moments of light amid the darkness when I can feel joy despite the ongoing sadness.
I am grateful for these moments, for the days when grief does not consume me. I thank God for giving me the strength to get through the most challenging days and the grace to enjoy the good ones. Grief may be my constant companion, but it does not define every moment of my life. There is still room for hope, for love, and for healing, even as I carry the weight of my loss.