Several months ago, I felt like I was making progress in my grief journey and thought I had finally left fear behind. I had moments of clarity and calm that made me feel hopeful. But the last week hit me hard, leaving me crushed by the weight of grief and pain, feeling vulnerable and defeated. I've realized that my journey is far from over. The battle with grief continues, and with it comes an unwelcome companion: anxiety.
I often remind myself, "Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow!" Usually, this mantra helps keep worry at bay. But the fear that accompanies grief is not so easy to shake off. A vague, oppressive feeling of impending doom seems to follow me everywhere. It's intrusive and relentless, making finding or escaping its edges impossible. If I could catch it, I would throw it away without hesitation. But it's not so easy.
This constant struggle makes me feel like a soldier in a war I never enlisted in. Even though I've never been in a battle, every day feels like a fight for my soul. The enemy wants me to give in, cave in, and succumb to overwhelming hopelessness and despair. But I push back, dig in, and continue to fight. This is the most demanding job I've ever done—no breaks, vacations, downtime, or respite. And it often feels like there's no progress being made. But I refuse to give in.
I often feel tired, both physically and emotionally. The exhaustion creeps in, making every little task seem daunting. But in this battle, I remember that my struggle is not against flesh and blood. My weapons are not physical. My strength comes from a higher power, from my faith. My only hope is to remain rooted in God's Word and hold fast to His promises and truth. Ephesians 6:13 speaks to my heart: "Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you can resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then, after the battle, you will still be standing firm." This verse reminds me that I am not alone in this battle. I am equipped with spiritual armor that helps me defend against the relentless attacks of fear and sorrow. It constantly reminds me that Christ is victorious, and I can find the strength to keep going through Him.
Despite exhaustion and seemingly endless struggles, I remain confident that I will emerge stronger.
The journey is complex, and the road is long, but I am not walking it alone. With faith as my guide and the armor of God as my protection, I continue to face each day, refusing to let sadness and anxiety dominate my life.
Ultimately, this unwavering determination and faith keep me moving forward. Even when it seems like there is no progress and the burden of sadness feels unbearable, I know that my fight is not in vain. My struggle has a purpose, and my faith will see me through.
